OUT OF A DARK PLACE, GENTLY...

It's pretty shocking to come to this space, and realize that it's been close to 2 years since I wrote my last piece.  It's not that I haven't been writing, but not here, in this place of (my) self-expression, where some people have been encouraging me to communicate more.  Not doing so is a reflection of a variety of factors, and like so many things that are going on right now for many people, the specifics don't necessarily matter as much as simply paying attention to what "is" (true) for any of us at a particular time - about our emotions, priorities, states of mind, intentions and the push-pull of life.  It feels like a particularly intense time right now.  And not just for me.

A week ago I had what I might be called an existential crisis.  While it was, admittedly, somewhat externally prompted/induced, the feelings and thoughts that came bursting upward, outward and inward were deeply challenging, personally profound and truly distressing, and brought me to quite a place of self-reflection and self-confrontation.  It was as if in one moment, all the old stuff/unfinished business teamed-up to rear their heads in unison.  And in Stereo.  And, once those few hours passed, it was not as though I could suddenly dismiss what had been in my head as just some ridiculous notions without substance.  Those feelingsthoughtsbeliefs were, even if not "factually true," as real as they come.  All too familiar.  They were, they felt, and still feel in the ensuing days at times, completely attached to me, like a body part.  Dark, sad, powerful.  And no matter how many people may poke holes in those beliefs or feelings, we all know the deal with feelings.  They are what they are, and they can stay around for awhile.  The rationale brain is no match for them.

There are MANY people with WAY bigger problems, challenges or issues than I have.  I am sharing here what's going on in my heart and spirit not because there is a pity party going on either here at my house, or in my heart or in my soul.  I am doing so because as a man who emotes, I have often been told that my openness, my emotional nakedness, has inspired others, particularly men, to get underneath those masks (hello Purim) and be real.  With themselves.  To honor the feelings that get inside, and that we all too often hide from others.  In the darkest points of that dark night a week ago, I promised myself that, if/when I came to see the light on the other side, I would recommit to whatever purpose and passion I have with this precious life I have been given.  I am struggling with what has come unearthed (again), and yet I do know that out of the darkness does come the light.  And one of my greatest gifts as a Kind.Man in the world, is to be a mirror and an igniter for others.  For me, there is no greater notion than to be a catalyst for transformation, to inspire others to reach down and transcend their own limiting beliefs.  Men, particularly, need to have men who can "make it OK" to be vulnerable and emotional without the fucked up perceived judgments and beliefs that accompany words like "soft" and "emotional" and "weak" and "female" (among others).  I am tired of this nonsense, and the burdens that remain from the continuation of misguided societal crap about what it is to "be a man" (a "real man"??). Not that I have been a man who ever embraced the traditional notion of (straight) maleness.  It was always easier to honor the feminine within me, because the male paradigm was too limiting and contradictory to how I wanted to be.  And as I have grown into my maleness, as it were, in these recent years, I have come to my own yin-yang alchemy.  Mine, not someone else's version.  We all have it, I cherish shining a light on wherever those shadows and questions may be.  In these last days I have [re]committed to a deeper level of emotional honesty, first between me and me, and then with others.  From those jarring hours of feeling deeply alone, and completely untethered, I have come to [re]connect with places in my heart that need nurturing more than I had come to know.  And that the key to moving through this part of the journey, and to heal, is to dive in to a place called Forgiveness.  Starting with myself, which I have come to learn is not an easy one for me to do.  And it is so necessary.  And thanks to the wisdom and guidance of others, I have pushed myself to express forgiveness to even the most challenging person in my life.  And whether I ever get that back in mutuality, it really doesn't matter.  I sense that I am, again, [re]starting from this new place of utter unknown.  And no matter how many layers I have peeled back in this onion over these last years, there is always seemingly new levels to go.    And while there is fear that rears its head, daily (is it hourly?), I have the sense that with acknowledging my need for support and wisdom and guidance from others, that the best truly is yet to come.  With patience and gentleness and fearlessness.

And what to say about the flow of life, the reminder of Universal truth that is here in every moment...here is what just got sent to me from a friend, the wisdom of perspective of one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Pema Chodron: Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that’s all that’s happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness–life’s painful aspect–softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody’s eyes because you feel you haven’t got anything to lose–you’re just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We’d be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn’t have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together.” ~Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chödrön

I do prefer to focus on the needs of others.  So if anyone needs the softness of my heart, please let me know.  Yes, start where you are.  I surely am.  Wherever that is.

With love and gratitude.