CONFUSION...

I often feel remorse that I haven't been the best "ex-spouse", in terms of things that I have felt, and I know have said, about X. It feels bad as it relates to what my kids have experienced, felt, even more than heard, from me, knowing and seeing my frustration bubble over at times. I am embarrassed that I allowed my own personal issues to get in my (their) way, and I have done what I can to deal with the kids directly, to make amends, to come clean, to be human and apologize. It's not that I have been an ogre, or have gone out of my way to be mean, or have even been untruthful. I just have been trying to learn to have better boundaries in this area, it's better for my kids. That's all that matters.

At the heart of the matter for me over the years has been X's behavior, or her double standards, that often so baffle me, stop me in my tracks, that I don't know what to do. How to respond. A few days ago, the power went out at home, I wasn't yet back and Cooper arrived to find a dark apartment. When I arrived, my first instinct was to have him call his Mom, so that he could go there and do his homework, after having dinner with me. He called her on her cell, no answer. I texted her with what was going on, and "I hope it's OK for Cooper to be able to come home to you." Two minutes later, she called me, and said that he can't stay over. "I have plans." "Well, can't he come over, even if you have plans, and do his homework?" Her response is where my brain got frazzled. "No. Can't he go to a cafe with wifi and get it done there?" I paused. I decided to respond, not react. "That's OK, X, I will figure it out. Have a good night." Coop looked at me and asked what his Mom said, could he go over there All I could say was, "Sorry, no, Mom has plans." Over the next hour I got Coop settled at his best friend's house, and I made it to the play I was supposed to see at Intermission. I still had X's response ringing in my head. Because, you see, even if she "had company", or even if she was contemplating intended carnal delights, to me, it didn't matter. I KNOW that even if the circumstances had been reversed, nothing would have gotten in the way of me having my kid come home, to do whatever he needed to do. Whether someone else would have had to put clothes on and/or leave, it wouldn't have mattered. And, God knows what X would have said, if I had been the one saying "No." I get confused in these situations, what to say. How to be. How to respond. What to feel. At least, I can now walk away and not spark (more) sturm and drang. Yet I feel bad for my kid, and I guess all I can do there is simply show up, do the best I can, and be real and open. I always call myself a parent. Not just the dad. A huge difference. I was with a wonderful colleague and new friend yesterday, she's 8 months pregnant, the conversation got around to sleeping. She said that mothers often say that once they have children, they never sleep the same way again. She said that her own Mom is always mothering (parenting), always thinking, maybe worrying, even when her kids are grown. Never making it through a night in the same way she did before having kids. I closed my eyes, and tears started to roll down my face. "You OK?" "Yes, it's just so clear to me, again, that it has nothing to do with mothering. Or being a woman. It has to do with nurturing." And, that is genderless, even if women tend to own this more than men. Because in my world, I AM the nurturer, and I am proud of it. And, even though I often tanked, and was probably not at my strongest for Maia during those times, those periods, when she was in her darkest places, my parenting soul was deeply connected to hers. I would have taken on any of it for her if I could have, taken that bullet for your kid as parents would all the time. And, during those same periods, when Maia was living with me pretty much fulltime, when I could hardly breathe, not being able to see barely any light through that darkness, I would watch X, at school, operating with that disconnected smile as if all was hunky dory, putting on that good face for the world, not even being there, in any substantive emotional way for Maia, let alone "co-parenting" with me. And it was just another situation(s) where my own anger and disbelief got intertwined with my sadness for that connection Maia didn't, or couldn't, have with her Mom. So, while I have continued to try and learn and live the truth that it doesn't matter what anyone else does, and we are solely responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and reactions, it IS only human to still have one's buttons pushed. To have confusion about the best way to be for those we love, in the face of that energy that can ignite our own darkest selves.

Celebrate the nurturers within...regardless of whether they are women or men, mothers or fathers, parents or not....