WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE...

"Those who know not how to love their own language are worse than an animal and a smelly fish."

- Jose Rizal, Filipino national hero

"Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow."

- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Words mean so much to me...language...I really have grown to love it. There are times when I am writing something when I am paused and searching not just for a word, but the RIGHT word...I feel myself rubbing my fingers together or waving hands, feeling a way to source, or conjure, the word that just feels perfect...that communicates what I feel, the best way I can, and hopefully sparks the feeling inside - me or someone reading it - that I intend...if I intend anything at all, I guess. Sometimes, it's just a sharing of some wide-open spaces...

I find it interesting that while "actions speak louder than words," words are very powerful. They carry meaning. Intentions. Feelings. X is a writer, yet when I'd be blown away by something very particular that she'd say, or her use of a particular word, she'd say something like, "it's just a word." To me, "just" has no place in that sentence. I was sitting in Dr. S's office soon after I entered SeparationLand, explaining that no matter how I would try to negotiate safe turf with X, or tell her that something she'd done would have its consequences, it never seemed to make a difference. That the only way to get her to understand whatever it was that I was probably feebly attempting to accomplish, was by DOING, not by telling. "She doesn't hear words," I remember him ringing in my ears. "But she's a writer," I meekly responded. "It doesn't fucking matter," was all he could say. "You can't negotiate with some people." I looked at him, I remember, like he was speaking another dialect. It was as if he had given me one of the Basic Truths, and I could not decipher it. And, he was completely right. Sometimes, and/or with certain people, words mean shit...there's no talk to walk...it's all about the action. Because the words have no meaning.

I was recently working with a guy whose entire life was in the world of "transformation"... personal development...came out of deep involvement in programs/trainings such as Lifespring and EST...I have no problem with any of it, I believe they all have (or can have, depending on the person) deep value, if taken as a piece of the puzzle, as a step along the journey. Not as THE puzzle or THE journey. I learned great words and expressions when I took Lifespring in the earlier 80's...the kind of phrases that have stuck with me...ways of expressing feelings, or communicating with another on a deeper level...if/when those words are married to some kind of emotion, intention, feeling...without that, those words, that kind of "processing" is just JARGON...and, that's what it was like with this colleague...30 years of all the right buzz words, but they were like grasping for air...nothing to hold on to. The kind of language that when someone is refusing to take responsibility for their own actions, puts the dialogue on the other person. Call someone like that on their "stuff," and be told you are a complainer. Suddenly the truth teller that he liked, becomes a "complainer" when the willingness to be honest is turned on them. It becomes "just words."

So, I often look at words as such a reflection of how we think and feel, that's why I might dig and get my fingers REALLY dirty in the mud until I find one, when I am feeling wordneedy or stumped...I see how individual words, ones as small as even 3 letters (change "but" to "and" in most sentences, and see how it changes EVERYTHING energetically...not "just" words)...there are four words that I will come to write about soon, because each one pushes a button within me, I have such confused feelings about their meanings, and what they represent...and, here they are (there are, surely, more)....

1. Entitlement (it has such a negative connotation so often, yet there is a positive aspect to it, in a healthy dose...right? is it true?);

2. Success (wow, just wait to get me started on THAT one)...what the hell does it mean...

3. Money (yowza)....

4. Competition...what is "healthy" competition? How do we teach that to our kids (when most adults/parents don't seem to understand the concept)...

Anyway, I love words...probably why sometimes I talk too much...

CONFUSION...

I often feel remorse that I haven't been the best "ex-spouse", in terms of things that I have felt, and I know have said, about X. It feels bad as it relates to what my kids have experienced, felt, even more than heard, from me, knowing and seeing my frustration bubble over at times. I am embarrassed that I allowed my own personal issues to get in my (their) way, and I have done what I can to deal with the kids directly, to make amends, to come clean, to be human and apologize. It's not that I have been an ogre, or have gone out of my way to be mean, or have even been untruthful. I just have been trying to learn to have better boundaries in this area, it's better for my kids. That's all that matters.

At the heart of the matter for me over the years has been X's behavior, or her double standards, that often so baffle me, stop me in my tracks, that I don't know what to do. How to respond. A few days ago, the power went out at home, I wasn't yet back and Cooper arrived to find a dark apartment. When I arrived, my first instinct was to have him call his Mom, so that he could go there and do his homework, after having dinner with me. He called her on her cell, no answer. I texted her with what was going on, and "I hope it's OK for Cooper to be able to come home to you." Two minutes later, she called me, and said that he can't stay over. "I have plans." "Well, can't he come over, even if you have plans, and do his homework?" Her response is where my brain got frazzled. "No. Can't he go to a cafe with wifi and get it done there?" I paused. I decided to respond, not react. "That's OK, X, I will figure it out. Have a good night." Coop looked at me and asked what his Mom said, could he go over there All I could say was, "Sorry, no, Mom has plans." Over the next hour I got Coop settled at his best friend's house, and I made it to the play I was supposed to see at Intermission. I still had X's response ringing in my head. Because, you see, even if she "had company", or even if she was contemplating intended carnal delights, to me, it didn't matter. I KNOW that even if the circumstances had been reversed, nothing would have gotten in the way of me having my kid come home, to do whatever he needed to do. Whether someone else would have had to put clothes on and/or leave, it wouldn't have mattered. And, God knows what X would have said, if I had been the one saying "No." I get confused in these situations, what to say. How to be. How to respond. What to feel. At least, I can now walk away and not spark (more) sturm and drang. Yet I feel bad for my kid, and I guess all I can do there is simply show up, do the best I can, and be real and open. I always call myself a parent. Not just the dad. A huge difference. I was with a wonderful colleague and new friend yesterday, she's 8 months pregnant, the conversation got around to sleeping. She said that mothers often say that once they have children, they never sleep the same way again. She said that her own Mom is always mothering (parenting), always thinking, maybe worrying, even when her kids are grown. Never making it through a night in the same way she did before having kids. I closed my eyes, and tears started to roll down my face. "You OK?" "Yes, it's just so clear to me, again, that it has nothing to do with mothering. Or being a woman. It has to do with nurturing." And, that is genderless, even if women tend to own this more than men. Because in my world, I AM the nurturer, and I am proud of it. And, even though I often tanked, and was probably not at my strongest for Maia during those times, those periods, when she was in her darkest places, my parenting soul was deeply connected to hers. I would have taken on any of it for her if I could have, taken that bullet for your kid as parents would all the time. And, during those same periods, when Maia was living with me pretty much fulltime, when I could hardly breathe, not being able to see barely any light through that darkness, I would watch X, at school, operating with that disconnected smile as if all was hunky dory, putting on that good face for the world, not even being there, in any substantive emotional way for Maia, let alone "co-parenting" with me. And it was just another situation(s) where my own anger and disbelief got intertwined with my sadness for that connection Maia didn't, or couldn't, have with her Mom. So, while I have continued to try and learn and live the truth that it doesn't matter what anyone else does, and we are solely responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and reactions, it IS only human to still have one's buttons pushed. To have confusion about the best way to be for those we love, in the face of that energy that can ignite our own darkest selves.

Celebrate the nurturers within...regardless of whether they are women or men, mothers or fathers, parents or not....

UNENDING LOVE....

We are loved by an unending love.

We are embraced by arms that find us,
even when we are hidden from ourselves.
We are touched by fingers that soothe us,

even when we are too proud for soothing.

We are counseled by voices that guide us,

even when we are too embittered to hear.

We are loved by an unending love.

We are supported by hands that uplift us,

even in the midst of a fall.

We are urged on by eyes that meet us,

even when we are too weak for meeting.

We are loved by an unending love.

Embraced, touched, soothed, and counseled,

Ours are the arms, the fingers, the voices;

Ours are the hands, the eyes, the smiles;

We are loved by an unending love.

(Rabbi Rami Shapiro)

CONGRUENCE...

"Bring the pure wine of
love and freedom.
But sir, a tornado is coming.
More Wine, we'll teach this storm
A thing or two about whirling."

---Rumi



There's so much going on, extraordinary energy around and abounds, so I am writing about that...I have no "agenda" here today, no SPECIFIC place to go...



Let's start with Shabbat...this week's portion, according to Rabbi David, is about what he was referring to as "bi-association"...one's ability to acknowledge, honor, co-exist with one's most (apparently) divergent, conflicting parts. How to have them both be there. How, at one's possible lowest, are we able to also feel and embrace our higher selves. And, while we are celebrating are favorite pieces of ourselves, how can we accept our darkest sides. As always, David hit it on the nose for me, this notion is something that I think about all of the time. Whether it's because I am Geminiacal, and/or have a kid who is (diagnosed) bipolar, or whether I have always simply just been willing and able to try and see both sides now, or as the only child growing up translating around the dinner table, and st times seemingly being the only connective tissue between the 2 "grownups", I understand what it is to often feel split. Why I have often called myself a walking dichotomy. And, I have come to realize that people who are the most congruent, who are able to work with all sides and parts, are the ones feeling most connected. To themselves. Not in denial of any one particular thing...all colors in the Crayola Box are welcome. It always cracks me up when someone, after saying or doing something that doesn't necessarily fit within their own sense of themselves (or within what they perceive to be OTHERS' senses of who they [we] are), says something like, "I don't know...that wasn't me"...as if someone else did/said it. It's that ill-fitting part that we need to embrace. Yet what I feel gets in our way is our struggle to fit them together. Directly. That's not the way it works. It's like California and New York. Part of the same whole...connected with each other...just with some pieces in between. We are all like that. We have the shades between the black and white. Colors AND grays. The puzzle works when we fit together...and, not force it. And, I see that I am forcing less than I ever have. Allowing more, shlepping boulders uphill less. More than "great," it feels "right." Embrace, embrace. Ourselves and each other.



A friend/colleague wrote to me the following: "You challenge me to be open and raw. I hope that I can honor that." Made be pause in my tracks. At first because I didn't realize that I was "challenging" anyone to anything...and, then I realized that, in a way, it's why I do what I do...why I am who I am (whoever the fuck that is)...not because I want to overtly challenge anyone necessarily...because I love holding a mirror up...representationally...because in the end, I need to be my own, and if I can inspire others to do that for themselves, that' a huge "Yay." I want to challenge myself...and, the secondary catalyst benefits aren't bad either...

WE KNOW...

"What I really need is to be clear about what I am to do, not what I must know, except in the way knowledge must precede all action. It is a question of understanding my destiny, of seeing what the Deity really wants me to do; the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I am willing to live and die."

--Kierkegaard, 1835

I know that some people think I am ADD...I am not (not said defensively!)...I just have a million things going on, inside my head and out...which (at most times) is how I would prefer it. Rather than having nothing going on. Inside. Me and anyone else, same rules apply. It's why I am drawn to smart people. They turn me on, all over. I like to think that smart is the new sexy, whether you are a woman or a man. The thing is, though, smart alone ain't enough. And we are, in so many ways, encouraging people, our kids for sure at times, to be(come) smart, we value smarts, we hold "it" up as being important. Something to aspire to. What if the goal wasn't to make people "smarter" (i.e., to use their brains more), and instead we encouraged them to be(come) "wiser". To be people of their heart. Or spirit. Or soul. More than their brains. To feel more than just think (I find myself, in writing or speaking, often substituting "I feel" for "I think", and having the whole timbre of a sentence be shifted).

I have been feeling lately that so much that was/is taught, the big lessons, no longer apply. Personally and in business. That can be scary to those among us who don't welcome change. Who may have simply liked the way things were. The old rules don't make no sense no more. Look around the entertainment business, as an example, the old paradigms, the dinosaurs, no longer work in a functioning way...whether it's the record business or advertising, or television, they are not constructs that, even if they exist in some form, hold the same weight that they always have. No wonder everyone is scrambling, no one really knows...anything. In some ways, it's like the Wild West out there. For any of us who are open to trying new ways of doing things, who didn't like the limitations of the "this is the way we have always done it," this can be an exciting time. And, challenging regardless of whether you like it or not because it is basically impossible, every day, not to be touched by someone who feels utterly confused. And/or scared. Because they wonder what IS there to hold on to that is known when it seems like we are often in a new Disney Theme Park, this one called Opposite Land. Paradigms that have been like a ceramic bowl, a secure vessel holding what is (actually, what "has been"), what is known, instantly seem to turn into a colander right before our eyes. All of our attempts to keep pouring water in, to hold the water in there, suddenly are not effective any more. And the efforts to continue to do only what we know, or have known, suddenly can exhaust us. Partly because we realize that something is no longer working. Or, simply, just doesn't make sense any more. And, we don't know where to go for the answer(s).

I remember when X's and my then (ineffectual) shrink (we each saw her individually, and also together, for the better part of 14 years, putting, I am sure, quite a nice addition on her country house, but she never having a substantive material effect on moving our relationship one way or another), said to me, "Love isn't enough." She was referring to the qualities that it takes to have a relationship, a marriage, work. While Shrink C's statement evoked in me a certain, reflexive "wow...holy shit" response, my primary visceral feeling was way more one of, "Yup. I TOTALLY get that." I understood it. Experientially. And why the importance of "liking" (more than simply loving) is so true for me. Because that is the grist that can cut so deep. What Shrink C was saying that stuck with me (cutting through her treading water approach) was that one can't just go along with the myths. The lessons. The playbook. Because blindly continuing to follow them can surely set us up for disappointment (by my definition, the gap in between either expectation or hope, and what is). And, it is so important, when evaluating what works for ourselves, what rules or beliefs or truths feel right to US, that we don't have to throw out the baby with the bath water. Because noting that "love is not enough" doesn't mean that love doesn't matter, or isn't worth having (profoundly and deeply). It is simply that, alone, love may not be sufficient to hold two people together. You may need more. Go deeper. For yourself. Feel. For yourself. Respond to what is real inside (for YOU), not just to the noises or old tapes from either then (past) or in anticipation of then (future) that may not be working any more. For you. I know that throughout my life, when I have tried to fit in, from the outside-in, and/or when I have been willing to subsume my intuition about what felt right to/for me to the (possibly conflicting) wishes and agendas of others, I have never, in the end, felt joyful that I did so. Creating our own playbook, from the inside-out really seems to be the way to go. In order to make a life, not just a living. And, to do that, requires a willingness on our part to bump into the furniture (often) and bruise ourselves because we have moved the furniture, and not yet found the light switch to illuminate our new path. And no matter how many bandages and band aids I may have used - and still need - I am constantly rewarded by an embracing of new possibilities, not a lamenting of what was.

SIMPLE...NOT EASY...

"'Think simple' as my old master used to say - meaning reduce the whole of its parts into the simplest terms, getting back to first principles."

- Frank Lloyd Wright

I am working on an exciting and I feel very

commercial television project, a concept for a series we are calling BODY.BUILT (not sure if the "." thing may seem like a shtick by now!)...The "we," in this case, is the extraordinarily talented photographer and reportageur, Brian Moss - http://www.brianmoss.com/. I first met Brian about 8 years ago because he was looking for some help with a book he wanted to publish...he had photographed many women, and individual body parts of these women (including fingers, legs, mouths, toes, etc.) right before, during, and immediately after, orgasm. Brian went for the details, not the overt...he shot fingers, mouths, toes, hands, eyes...he captured moments in ways that I had never seen done before, with his particular POV...I actually found one major agent who took the book out to some select publishing houses, yet no one was willing to fully buy-in...I wonder if it could find a home now...in the Obama, as opposed to Bush, years...

I recently met the creatives at Original Pictures, the company behind TV series like Miami Ink, LA Ink and Storm Chasers, and learned more about their focus on creating these types of "docusoaps", how they work, what they are. A look into a "world", a lifestyle, seen through the lives of certain people who inhabit that particular world. And, with this type of programming/content, as really in all great projects that revolve around viewers/readers getting invested in story, the key to striking a chord these series is the compelling nature of the characters, more than the nature of the world itself (as an example, Original is also producing a series about competitive barbeque-ers, and the individuals are supposedly amazing). Once I understood this particular idea/project paradigm, I immediately thought of Brian's connection to bodybuilding, and his literal and figurative lenses that look within, and without, at these people who have immersed themselves in this life(style). Brian's singular and innergut connection with the world of bodybuilding is so profound, as a former bodybuilder, gym owner, collector of period "stuff" and now photographer, and one look at his work, it's clear why the idea for BODY.BUILT was a no-brainer...and why Original Pictures is extremely excited about pitching this to the networks.

Brian and I sent out a questionnaire to maybe a dozen or more bodybuilders - women and men - whom he had selected, people that would be compelling to an audience, and asked them to record on camera their answers to what we had posed. Yesterday morning I went out to Brian's incredible home/studio/gym that he created from the shell of a nondescript place in Jersey City. Words can't do justice to what he gave birth to there, all made from love and good taste. We screened the footage of the 8 people who sent him their homemade "audition" tapes, each one opening themselves, emotionally nakedly, personally, it was surprisingly easy to like each man, each woman. "Like" not in its "wishy-washy" use of the word, but in the (my) somewhat ultimate compliment I can say to someone. "I like you." It goes to the essence. I used to say to Maia as we would walk to pre-school, "Honey, I really like you." And she would respond along the lines of, "Daddy, I'm your daughter, of course you like me." And in what seemed as obvious then as it does now, I said to my dear Maia, "No, sweetie, that's why I LOVE you. I LIKE you because I like who you are, who you are inside." That's how I felt about all of every one of this community who were willing to open themselves up. I liked them, not as "bodybuilders, but as fellow dreamers...people of passion...of intention...of inspiration. I might not be able to relate to the specifics of their motivation, or what is that thang that grabs them inside, shakes them up and moves them. What they "do" isn't in my universe. Who they are, each one's heart and spirit, even on these flip cameras, or iphones, found a welcoming, receptive place inside me. As with any group of people, some more than others.

One of the last pieces we screened was made by Tim Dax, a NYC-based bodybuilder whose website makes it clear that he is an "Actor, Model, Muse." Tim's face is almost COMPLETELY tattooed, and his shaved head is COMPLETELY covered, in ink, making him appear that he is wearing a full-on mask at all times. The irony being that he is seemingly as open and kind and supportive and loving as any man out there. No mask. How could I not fall for another male muse. One who is so emotionally generous in his love for his beloved Andrea, who moved here within the last year to be with him here. Their commitment to each other, their clarity in wanting to build a family together, deep and profound. If I encountered Tim on the street, I would be hard pressed to not have some judgement flying across some part of me. Yet looking into his eyes, feeling his words, hearing his heart, he and I are without a doubt members of the same tribe. His interest in inspiring others from within, to have people look at him as a source of a spark, as another committed soul following their dream and wanting others to catch their own wave. Our shared desires to have people carve out their own lives, instead of simply making a living, Tim and I could not be more in alignment about what for me, right now, is essential. And, reasonably simple. To live a life of joy (more than simply "happiness"). To connect with those we love. To do great work with common spirits. To promote love, to share from our hearts. To be emotionally generous. Maybe it's the result of hard work inside, or simply having life wash over me and feeling what it is, so clearly, that needs to stick. I was brought back to a quote that a friend sent me from Temple Grandin, who spoke at the recent TED Conference, where she said, "When I was younger I was looking for this magic meaning of life. It's very simple now. Making the lives of others better, doing something of lasting value, that's the meaning of life, it's that simple." I read, and re-read, this many times when it first hit my inbox. It wasn't just what Temple was sharing, her particular POV, or that it held hands with mine. It was, quite viscerally, the notion of how simple "it" all really seemed (seems) to be...to me... what is "self-evident" even when I am ignoring the messages. That the simpler I can actually make it for myself, the more available I am to me, and others. That "simple" (not to be confused as a synonym for "easy") come from, allows each moment, each choice, to be infused with its own meaning, its own purpose. So Tim Dax, and Temple Grandin, and all of us who crave the simple (and deeply rich) essence, whether we are bodybuilders or are born autistic, need, as I see it, to support each other in peeling back the layers, in getting past the judgements and masks and any other walls that keep us from each other. It's just what I feel, what I believe. And what I am aligning behind. For myself and those who want to share the "simple life."