(CHOSEN) FAMILY

Dad and I had brunch yesterday with Mitchell and Barry Roffer and their wives in Port St. Lucie.  The Roffer Boys are two of the three sons of my parents' closest friends when I was growing up, they were surely my father's best friends from their earliest days as kids in the Bronx, until they died.  The Roffer home in Yonkers was my second home, often felt more like home than my own, with passion and people around all the time.  It was amazing to see these guys with Dad, his eyes lit up, a connection to him in a deep way, the fathers were members of the Spartan Social Club at DeWitt Clinton High School, and they were simply "The Spartans" throughout my life.  Ten or so couples, they loved each other deeply, partied together often (they used to be "not asked back" from every Catskills Hotel they went to for getaway weekends), and they were the people who were there for my father and mother always, through her sickness and death, and then for him beyond.  Dad and one other guy and one wife, are the sole survivors.  Being with Barry, Mitchell, Carol and Janet yesterday reminded me of how much chosen family has been there for me, no matter whether blood was not always thicker than water.  Why I deeply cherish friendships and powerful connections.  We can choose "family," the people with whom we have each other's backs.  The kind of people who, like Barry did yesterday, make sure that Dad has his phone number, in case Pops needs anything.  Humbling to feel how much love simply transcends everything.  Including time.   

CELEBRATE ME HOME...

The reason that I called this “Man.Kind,” with a period both separating, and connecting, Man+Kind is that it reflects so much about how rarely the notion of "kindness" is rarely at the top of the lists of attributes when thinking of men.  As a quality to be highly valued.  I wonder if it is less about being an aspirational quality, or is it people not thinking of kindness as relates to men, or men not thought of as being kind?  Is kindness thought of as feminine?  Gentle, kind, sweet, soft, SENSITIVE, SENSUAL…are those really female?  In Italian or French or Spanish, are those words F or M?  Anyone would think those are words that are feminine in nature, and I want to be ALL of them, in addition to whatever positive qualities are thought of as being "masculine."  The Dalai Lama.  Thich Nhat Hanh.  These are "real men," all male, in my opinion.  We all have the feminine, we all have the masculine within us.  How do we combine those parts of ourselves, to feel full…to not hide out from who we are?  I love language, I love words, I cherish opportunities to find a perfect word so that an emotion, a feeling, a thought gets communicated.  And language can be so limiting at the same time.  For us to live congruent lives, fully embodied and joyful, I believe we need to acknowledge and EMBRACE all sides of ourselves.  It was always easier for me growing up to honor my "feminine" (it was not about being straight or gay) because I saw that women had "the" power and I looked at men as either being somewhat "weaker" (how I viewed my Dad) or the kind of testosterone-infused maleness that never resonated.  I grew up as the "sensitive guy" for whatever that meant.  It was not until I connected with aspects of being a man in these recent years of my journey that I was able to hold all of those parts together.  Whether I was being called a Lesbian in a Man's Body or a Man with a Period, I am good with it all.  And while I wondered for so many years what, if anything, my Dad actually did teach me - especially about "being a man" - I look at him today and see that his kindness, his softness, even what some may say is his "weakness" are qualities that I took on my osmosis, and am proud that I have.  I don't want to deny any of the light, or the shadows.  Embrace the fullness of our richness, our individual tapestries.  Each of our unique alchemies and stews.  Celebrate me, and all of us, home, in who we are.  

CHILD IS FATHER TO THE MAN - PART 1,000,000

As Ben Shaul and I create our first joint creative site in the new year - 2Str8Dads - I am compelled to revisit this place of Man.Kind for the first time in so long.  I am deeply in the midst of moving from what "was" to what "is."  Asking myself new questions, one question in particular.  "What do you want, JP?"  It is simultaneously exciting, as well as completely unnerving and humbling to be face-to-face with this, as I often have no answer.  Or it is often, simply, "I don't know."  Here I am, in the early stages of empty nesting that has hit me profoundly.  As a content person, I am a believer that context is at least as important.  And, I have no context for this place in which I find myself.  For the first time in my life - literally - I can seemingly ask this without the very real needs to feel responsible to take care of someone in my life, whether a mother, a wife, a child. And in those times when there was no one there whose needs were, or seemed, more important than mine, I anointed someone with that dominion over what might be best for me.  As if it was easier to do so than take charge, and decide from the inside-out.  Thinking of, and for, myself was never in my DNA in a critical way.  So, here I am learning new ways of being.  Because, in the end, I need to (re)craft this life of mine by honoring who I am, what I have done, and what I have been willing to do and be, yet stepping fully into somewhat of a new emotional wardrobe that I have been working on, and welcoming, for years.  And it is challenging to do so without a foundation of experience.  I am welcoming new tapes, new voices and messages, and I need patience when they don't stick, or find their way home inside.  

So, what do I want?  Having been inspired by the writings of Danielle LaPorte, I can say that, at the very least, I know how I want to FEEL, whether it is from an encounter, an experience, being with another.  I want to feel congruent and joyful, and not so connected to the old messages or the past stories.  I want to feel proud of me in new ways.  To show me (and my kids) that it's never too late to shift.  And, that love is all there is.  So, I chose to enter the belly of the beast.  With my father.  It's not like he's not the beast.  I am.  The beast of my own feelings and challenges, within.  I have come to Florida in the last day, to be with him for a few weeks, I haven't spent this kind of more-than-weekend time with him in more than 30 years.  Just me and him.  Towards the end of his life, there is no more important transition in energy for me to make, than in this relationship.  It is at the heart of my spiritual and emotional growth, I get that it is absolutely essential to deepen the shift that I have been moving through for the last few years.  It's more than simply dropping the past disappointments, or seeing him through my dead mother's disappointing eyes.  It's that he deserves my love fully simply because.  It is at the heart of my realization that fuller compassion and love starts here, my spiritual/emotional evolution is so tied to my ability to heal, as best as I can.  Even, in a way, if I am doing this alone, even if it is the sound of one hand clapping. By choosing to be with him, instead of staying in NYC and missing out on half of Cooper’s vacation, I am making a different kind of choice, one that my father never would have made, and one that doesn't feel natural to me.  This man who has been my only parent for more than 41 years, the man who never was a go-to parent in the way that I wished he could be, the most challenging (well, maybe the second most challenging) person in my life, the pilot light and trigger for some of my deepest shadows and frustrations.  And, it doesn't matter.  It has finally become clear that making peace - with myself more than Dad - is essential.  Before he dies.  I am so grateful that my kids support me in this, they get what maybe I never fully did, how this is a key to whatever is next for me.  And thank you to my friends who have felt my pain and sadness, more often than I am care to admit.  One of them wrote me yesterday with her deep and profound wisdom that took my breath away.  Her level of compassion and love, now taking care of a mother with dementia who never showed up for her, has deepened my understanding of forgiveness, and provides a beacon of light for what is possible.  I share her words here:  

I was thinking about my mom this morning and how when all her held memories and expectations of (and therefore disappointments in) life were gone in her dementia, all that is left is an innocent delight and joy and love.  Our hurt and pain is held memory and our story about our pain and hurt becomes a personalized myth that we hold as our TRUTH. That held memory is all that is in the way of our love, of our innate capacity to just BE in love.  I was thinking how one day I could be in my mother's condition and what a waste of life it would be to have to lose my mind in order to exist in and as love. All of me--my ego-identified me--resists this insight even as I share it with you. Who would I be without all my held memories and hurts and beliefs? I would BE LOVE. But the ego wants none of it..and my higher Self is looking at that and being gentle and patient while I allow my ego to throw its tantrums in resistance to the inevitable.  Inevitable because Love happens spontaneously when we become demented or we die or when we give up our personal myth. I am not there yet by any means--by any of those three paths to capital-L Love.  But I am gently observing myself and the possibility of choosing the path that doesn't require my dementia or my death. All Love to You 

LOVE IS ALL THERE IS.  Happy Holidays.  

"HATS" OFF TO CHARLIE...

Charlie Chaplin wrote this poem for his 70th birthday, he describes the unfolding journey far better than I can...

As I Began to Love Myself - Self Love Poem, by Charlie Chaplin

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living against my emotional truth.
Today, I know, this is "AUTHENTICITY."

As I began to love myself I understood how much it could offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I know the time
was not right and this person was not ready for it, and even though this person
was me.  Today I call it "RESPECT."

As I began to love myself I began to stop craving a different life,
and I could see that everything surrounding me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it "MATURITY."

As I began to love myself I began to understand that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens
at exactly the right moment.  So I could be calm.
Today I call it "SELF-CONFIDENCE."

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things that I love to do
and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in
my own rhythm.  Today I call it "SIMPLICITY."

As I began to love myself I freed myself from anything that is no good for
my health - food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew
me down and away from myself.  At first I called this attitude
a healthy egoism.  Today I know it is "LOVE OF ONESELF."

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time.  Today I discovered that is "MODESTY."

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry
about the future.  Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING
 is happening.  Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it "FULFILLMENT."

AsI began to love myself I began to see that my mind can disturb me
and can make me sick.  But as I connected to my heart, my
mind became a valuable ally.  Today I call this
connection "WISDOM OF THE HEART."

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations, or any kinds of problems
with ourselves or others.  Even stars collide, and out of their crashing
new worlds are born.  Today I know "THAT IS LIFE"!

OUT OF A DARK PLACE, GENTLY...

It's pretty shocking to come to this space, and realize that it's been close to 2 years since I wrote my last piece.  It's not that I haven't been writing, but not here, in this place of (my) self-expression, where some people have been encouraging me to communicate more.  Not doing so is a reflection of a variety of factors, and like so many things that are going on right now for many people, the specifics don't necessarily matter as much as simply paying attention to what "is" (true) for any of us at a particular time - about our emotions, priorities, states of mind, intentions and the push-pull of life.  It feels like a particularly intense time right now.  And not just for me.

A week ago I had what I might be called an existential crisis.  While it was, admittedly, somewhat externally prompted/induced, the feelings and thoughts that came bursting upward, outward and inward were deeply challenging, personally profound and truly distressing, and brought me to quite a place of self-reflection and self-confrontation.  It was as if in one moment, all the old stuff/unfinished business teamed-up to rear their heads in unison.  And in Stereo.  And, once those few hours passed, it was not as though I could suddenly dismiss what had been in my head as just some ridiculous notions without substance.  Those feelingsthoughtsbeliefs were, even if not "factually true," as real as they come.  All too familiar.  They were, they felt, and still feel in the ensuing days at times, completely attached to me, like a body part.  Dark, sad, powerful.  And no matter how many people may poke holes in those beliefs or feelings, we all know the deal with feelings.  They are what they are, and they can stay around for awhile.  The rationale brain is no match for them.

There are MANY people with WAY bigger problems, challenges or issues than I have.  I am sharing here what's going on in my heart and spirit not because there is a pity party going on either here at my house, or in my heart or in my soul.  I am doing so because as a man who emotes, I have often been told that my openness, my emotional nakedness, has inspired others, particularly men, to get underneath those masks (hello Purim) and be real.  With themselves.  To honor the feelings that get inside, and that we all too often hide from others.  In the darkest points of that dark night a week ago, I promised myself that, if/when I came to see the light on the other side, I would recommit to whatever purpose and passion I have with this precious life I have been given.  I am struggling with what has come unearthed (again), and yet I do know that out of the darkness does come the light.  And one of my greatest gifts as a Kind.Man in the world, is to be a mirror and an igniter for others.  For me, there is no greater notion than to be a catalyst for transformation, to inspire others to reach down and transcend their own limiting beliefs.  Men, particularly, need to have men who can "make it OK" to be vulnerable and emotional without the fucked up perceived judgments and beliefs that accompany words like "soft" and "emotional" and "weak" and "female" (among others).  I am tired of this nonsense, and the burdens that remain from the continuation of misguided societal crap about what it is to "be a man" (a "real man"??). Not that I have been a man who ever embraced the traditional notion of (straight) maleness.  It was always easier to honor the feminine within me, because the male paradigm was too limiting and contradictory to how I wanted to be.  And as I have grown into my maleness, as it were, in these recent years, I have come to my own yin-yang alchemy.  Mine, not someone else's version.  We all have it, I cherish shining a light on wherever those shadows and questions may be.  In these last days I have [re]committed to a deeper level of emotional honesty, first between me and me, and then with others.  From those jarring hours of feeling deeply alone, and completely untethered, I have come to [re]connect with places in my heart that need nurturing more than I had come to know.  And that the key to moving through this part of the journey, and to heal, is to dive in to a place called Forgiveness.  Starting with myself, which I have come to learn is not an easy one for me to do.  And it is so necessary.  And thanks to the wisdom and guidance of others, I have pushed myself to express forgiveness to even the most challenging person in my life.  And whether I ever get that back in mutuality, it really doesn't matter.  I sense that I am, again, [re]starting from this new place of utter unknown.  And no matter how many layers I have peeled back in this onion over these last years, there is always seemingly new levels to go.    And while there is fear that rears its head, daily (is it hourly?), I have the sense that with acknowledging my need for support and wisdom and guidance from others, that the best truly is yet to come.  With patience and gentleness and fearlessness.

And what to say about the flow of life, the reminder of Universal truth that is here in every moment...here is what just got sent to me from a friend, the wisdom of perspective of one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Pema Chodron: Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that’s all that’s happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness–life’s painful aspect–softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody’s eyes because you feel you haven’t got anything to lose–you’re just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We’d be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn’t have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together.” ~Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chödrön

I do prefer to focus on the needs of others.  So if anyone needs the softness of my heart, please let me know.  Yes, start where you are.  I surely am.  Wherever that is.

With love and gratitude.