I DID IT "ON PURPOSE"

"Many years ago, as a result of a strong inner impulse, I walked out of an academic career that the world would have called "promising," stepping into complete uncertainty; and out of that, after several years, emerged my new incarnation as a spiritual teacher. Much later, something similar happened again. The impulse came to give up my home in England and move to the West Coast of North America. I obeyed the impulse, although I didn't know the reason for it. Out of that move into uncertainty came The Power of Now, most of which was written in California and British Columbia while I didn't have a home of my own. I had virtually no income and lived on my savings, which were quickly running out. In fact everything fell into place beautifully. I ran out of money just as I was getting close to finish writing. I bought a lottery ticket and won $1,000, which kept me going for another month."

-Eckhart Tolle, "A New Earth"

As I ran out of the apartment yesterday, I grabbed my copy of A New Earth for the subway ride uptown. I've read it through once, and portions of it many times. Tolle speaks to me, in this book, in ways that no author ever has...he synthesizes concepts, puts a framework around feelings, and notions, that cut to my emotional core. I can, and did, read/hear "be in the moment" or "be here now" or "there is no such thing as the past or future" a million times, and even read portions of The Power of Now, before finding my way to A New Earth for the first time. And, suddenly, it all made sense in a way, in a specific moment, that - literally - took my breath away. It's more than simply that when the student's ready, the teacher shows up. It is his wisdom, his simplicity, that suddenly creeped into my soul, that infiltrated my core. It's not that I live every moment, in those moments. It's still somewhat of a new musculature for me. What is most profound is that, for the first time in my life, I realize that I CAN. And that is a beautiful thing.

And, I digress (wow, how unusual!)...the reason I specifically was drawn to A New Earth yesterday was that lately I have been thinking so much about - actually deeply feeling - what it is to find, or have, or live, one's "life purpose." Something that was just a faraway concept, or merely words, in the not too distant past. And, I realize, a notion that has been percolating within me seemingly forever. Without a framework around what it is, it is, in part, what drove me away from practicing law. And, being married, at least in that dynamic, or to someone I felt never "believed" in anything. In that faith (not religious) kind of way. Faith as the oppositional teammate of fear. I used to feel these guttural movements inside me, these feelings that I couldn't shake, nor could I concretely identify them. In some rare moments, all I could think of when I was lawyering was that I didn't feel like I was doing anything meaningful with my life, that something had to get out. Yes, I was providing a "service," but not one that resonated with me. A service that one could get anywhere. Work that was not using much of my (crying) heart and (waiting to burst) soul. Mix that with being in a relationship with someone where clearly the dynamic was not one of mutual support, and I had my own prescription for disaster. Certainly not one that was unique to me, yet that notion of aloneness could not be shaken. So, somehow, that knowing that there HAD TO BE another way, of living, of being, wouldn't shut up, wouldn't let me go. What was that? The same still, small voices that spoke to me at 8, on the stoop, when my mom was upstairs depressed and sick? Probably. God? Angels? Spirit guides? I certainly have no idea. And, instead of ignoring that feeling that was searing my insides, I felt like, truly, I had no other choice but to head out, and not only save my life, but my kids' lives as well...to teach them also about choices, and aiming high, and being true to oneself, and to see that the seeking joy, even more than "happiness", even if the destination is unknown, was worth the effort. And, to, as a biproduct, to try and put an end to the generations-old paradigm that seemed to befall so many, if not all, of the men on both sides of my family, who kind of just gave away their power, and subsumed who they were, or at least could be,
to the wishes of others. It wasn't an external torch I was carrying, it surely was not THE motivational force, yet on some level I knew that if not me, then who. Who was going to live a life of intention, and not purely of obligation, a vision born from the inside-out, not the outside-in.

So that guy, that father and guilt-ridden son, and yes, that man-in-training even in his 40's, who X never thought would actually have the balls or strength to actually walk away, particularly when looked upon by others as an abandoner, set-out on that road that was not only less traveled, I had no flashlight or walking shoes or known tools of the trade, or surely any guide to ask. Just an openness to put one foot in front of the other and (try and) follow the light. Even if it was fleeting, or flickering, or ended up being a mirage. Because on this roadtrip, one falls down alot, or gets in fender benders or larger crashes. And, it's not always easy to have the perspective to not see ANY of it as "mistakes." And, it's pretty obvious why Tolle's personal experience above resonates with me so profoundly. Because, it was exactly that impulse, that intuitive feeling inside, that voice from within that wouldn't allow anything else (even understanding the as-yet consequences that my actions would have on my beloved kids - regardless of whether my choice would, I envisioned, ultimately be better for them) to even be an option, once my heart and soul and spirit opened up and listened. Really listened to what was true. For me. That willingness to live in the unknown was, and remains, so key, every day. That faith and trust in what truly is a sense of being guided by something OTHER than one's brain, the player of all those "tapes" and voices that look at why not, instead of being connected to one's core. And, 11 years later, it surely has not been easy, and it's impossible to know if I HAD known the challenges of the journey, would I have done it. Yet living here, now, I can without a doubt say that it has been the most extraordinary path of growth, and opening and faith, even at those more than a few dark nights of the soul. Because, for the first time in my life, who I am, and what I am doing does seem to be in a rhythmic dance, the music and the lyrics working together in a way that, while not always in synch by any means, certainly makes for more harmony and love and openness, inside me, and projected outward, than I have ever been able to experience. And, the irony isn't lost on me that while in so many ways I have so much "less" of the stuff, certainly less than I have ever had before, I have never had more of what I can finally identify as what really fuels me, or felt more confident, or creative, or powerful, or faithful. I can't explain it. I just know that I want to keep doing it - being it - on purpose.

Monday, Monday...so good to me...(John Phillips)