STAYING OUT OF FEAR...

Fear. It is such the killer of life. Of souls. Of dreams. And often, of Dreamers. I remember hearing for the first time many years ago, a comparative juxtaposition of fear with two competing notions. Faith is one of hem. Love is the other. And I get it in my gut. When I am in a fearful place, it's effects can be - are, for me - all permeating. It infuses everything. Both love and faith can trump fear any day, when we breathe through ourselves with those inner, core truths. Of who we are. Even when we are not fully seeing, or feeling, it...ourselves...in our most full. When we are not feeling, as my dear friend, Claudia Handler calls it, "Me at my Me-ist." No matter what, we need to surround ourselves with those who both help us shine a light in all the corners, even the dark ones, who cry out for truth, while also seeing us in our bigness...not big as in famous, big as in who we truly are.

"IT IS WHAT IT IS..."

This has become one of my new favorite expressions...phrases. Reminders. Of truth. In that way that can be both so personal and individual and yet objective and global at the same time. What I mean is that once any of us come to our realization about the way something "is" - a situation, a relationship, a person, etc. - in a way that gives us complete "aha" clarity, on both the smaller and larger scale, "it is what it is." Embracing that phrase has lubricated some of the gears in my inner shifting mechanism. Gotten me, who has too often been drawn to unnecessary drama - both inner and outer - further into simplicity and "truth" (yes, even if that notion of truth is completely mine). Because once I can look at a situation, an experience, a feeling, a set of circumstances, whatever or whomever they may be, from the perspective of "it is what it is", it removes so much of the stories. That drama that is inherent in the "why's" or the "why not's" or the "how come's" or the "I don't understand's" or the inner clamoring that keeps me from what really is, acceptance. Of truth. Often of facts. And it allows me to step further into the breath of the moment, the space of the heart, instead of being ensconced in the noise in my head. At least for awhile. I am learning to feel and see what can and will occupy that space that would otherwise be filled up by my stories. It's a process. Like any new piece of clothing that may reflect a change in style or self-perception, I feel that I am growing into it...getting more comfortable...

MARILYN AND JERRY...

Monday was the 38th anniversary of the death of a woman whom I have come to realize I hardly knew. My mother. It really just hit me. Obviously not the fact that it's been a long time since I looked in her eyes and had a conversation. Or that it wasn't her death, but her getting sick ten years earlier, that was the REAL game changer for me. It was simply looking at facts...circumstances...in a new way. Not emotionally, as much as simply from a "it's just the facts, Jack" perspective. The realization, from a different angle, that Mom was physically well for such a short time in my life, and that her unexpurgated, as my mother, was so fleeting. I don't remember what she was like, unburdened, whether by the anxiety of sickness, the frustrations of life, the fearofdeath at a time when no one talked about it. It simply struck me, as I was riding on the subway, that this force in my life, this person whose presence, as limited, powerful, loving and dark as it sometimes was/is, is someone whom I not only hardly remember, but really have no idea who she was. At her core. At her most open and/or whatever might be the opposite of that for a woman whose life, and that of her only kid, was inexorably jettisoned into an unexpected place on a Spring morning in 1962. When people really didn't talk about this kind of shit. So, in an attempt to connect with the only other person who lived in that house with us, I woke and called my father, to simply connect, to open up the possibility of calling up the memory of a woman about whom he never speaks, at least in an offering. In an attempt to give his son something, from the inside.

"Good morning, Dad, just wanted to connect with you on the anniversary of Mom's death."

"I don't know when it was, Jon, I'm not sure."

BREATH.

"No, Dad, it's today. The same day as JFK. I just felt like talking about her a bit."

"Yeah, I remember it was around Thanksgiving."

BIG PAUSINGSPACE.

"OK, Dad, enjoy the day, I will speak to you during the week."

"OK, Jon. Feel good."

"Love you."

"Love you"

And, I let go. Not in the dramatic tears flooding out of my eyes kindofway...they simply trickled all day. Simply, in a realization that my 91-year old Dad can't give it to me - the perspective, the grounding, the bridge that might provide some granular connective tissue to a place inside that always is longing for that. And while it's easy to say that "he's 91" as a reason for this shallow, yet kindly-intentioned well, the fact, the truth, is that it was, he was, no different at 81 or 71 or whenever. The difference for me, on Monday, as sad as it may be, is that I was able to simply let this/him be. To have it be what it is. Not get caught up in (T)HIStory, or this disappointment. To accept it. To tell the/my truth. To be able to hold the facts and my father in a true place, and not become angry or (re)burdened. To love him and love her, in any ways that I can. Whether I remember or not.

THE OLD YO-YO...

It has struck me recently - and not for the first time - that in those moments in my life when I have elected to explore a singular romantic relationship with a woman, that person has tended to be someone who isn't what I would call "emotionally reliable." It's not about being good or nice or kind or giving. What I am talking about goes to their ability to hold an emotional space with another, starting with their own. It's a "default" position that prompts a visceral withdrawal from emotional vulnerability when the spark of a beginning, the intensity of possibility, the hope in the draw of the "other" inevitably leads to the reality of self. The work and responsibility within that is required when the mirror reflects back with the message that it's about us, not him (or her). Whether its emotional reliability, or consistency, what I have experienced it as is a "yo-yo" effect. The here now, not here now, back here now, maybe I am here now slippery slope that while at times has been painful and challenging, is something that has felt like "home." What I know. In those ways that I wish I didn't and have to admit is true. My natural attraction to women who can withdraw the emotional connection on a dime. Who (say that they) want to be present. And are for a moment. And can't hold on. Whose emotional bowl seems to turn into a colander in a second. And as the water starts flowing out from the bottom, I am there feverishly trying to pour it back in as quickly as possible. Pushing back against the innate understanding that, inevitably, this process cannot, and will not, work. At least in the longer-term. And each time that I have been drawn like a moth to a flame, I know that it's a painful, and slippery slope. That feels too familiar. That "Hey, look at me, I'm great, I'll SHOW you" trying too hard to get something from another that I know can only be substantively provided from within. Yet the second "yo" part of the yo-yo, the push piece of the push-pull, the maybeoutnotsureaboutthein, is something so seemingly DNA-driven, it's taken deep work to learn to nip that process earlier in the bud. To stay away from that drug that inevitably leads me down a well-traveled path to a place from which the recovery is challenging. The irony, of course, is that in my desire to feel "safe" WITH someone, I have often chosen to put myself in the line-of-fire with those with whom I can never GET that...feel that...well, SOMEtimes, yet not consistently. It's not that it's taken me this long to know that it's not what I ultimately want. It is - simply - that now I seem to be able to "just say no"" at an earlier and earlier acknowledgment of that particular feeling in my belly. In my soul. Surely in my heart. And as that opening to a new truth has unfolded, the reason, the story - about the WHY - doesn't really matter as much. To be willing to take a breath, a pause, and say - TO ME first - "No, thank you" is what has made the difference. It's surely an ongoing process, a step along the way. The notion that our shit, our Achilles' heels, simply disappear at some point, just isn't the way it works. I have often thought that a new 12-step program might be AHA...Achilles' Heel(s) Anonymous, because - as I see it - once a vulnerable place, always a place to breathe through when our internal signs go "here we go again." They don't disappear, hopefully we just figure out healthy ways to transcend the autoresponse. Because as I dove in to what was behind it, and very real, I realized that it's not just in romance, it's in biz too. Attracting people to whom I have often given my power away. When I wanted something from them. Maybe not wanted. NEEDED. Well, more accurately, FELT I needed. It's when that paradigm got created - me with another in that way - that the dynamic got created inside me. Feeling like "home" once again. And, as I noted, the story does not matter. It's what we do for ourselves, to first see, or feel, and then tell the truth. Both about whatever IT is, and that IT isn't working for us. That we don't need IT. Anymore. And then to get - stepbystep, littlebylittle, momenttomoment - that as we stretch our "known", when we lift our comfort zone, when we unbox our own box - that we can fill that space with something better for ourselves. Even if that something, is nothing at all. The sitting with IT. The being with it. Not having to DO anything about IT. To be able to be there for ourselves in a new way, coming from a different angle, and allowing us to possibly even create an opportunity to acknowledge the bounty of our personal journey, harvesting some of what came from the emotional seeds we may have planted. To take pride in our process. To take on, and accept, what may actually be pain (the notion of short term pain transforming into longer term pleasure), as opposed to simply being reactive to my most Pavlovian dogmode reactions (short-term comfort seeming to equate to long-term pain, every time).

All I know, at the end of this day, is that I am way more joyful than I have ever been. The comfort in my spirit, in my skin, is reflective of a willingness to steer clear, as often as I feel in charge of me, of those old smelly blankets in which we find comfort, yet which in the end, keep us where we don't really want to be.h

YINYANGDUALITYCONSCIOUSNESS...

On Monday evening, I hosted at my apartment a committee meeting for Romemu, a planning for the Chanukah bash on December 4th. I shopped. Cleaned. Prepared. Displayed and Presented. Fed. Poured. Nurtured. Hosted. In the way that a woman would...well, at least some. I have been invited to homes of women where there was bupkis to eat...nada...not a something. My point is not to be critical of (those particular) women. Or about typical men's consciousness, way too often, about stuff like this, even among some men who I would think would know better. So this is not about female or male...and it's certainly not about needing a "queer eye", because as anyone who knows me, or has been fed at my house, or seen me cluster pictures on a wall, or light hundreds of tea candles to illuminate a party, understands how the societal stereotypes played out in that show TOTALLY piss me off....as if you (a straight man) needs a gay guy to tell you anything about style, or creativity...or connecting with a woman and knowing what is sexy???? REALLY??? Anyway, I digress....

My point IS that it's not just a female trait, this nurturing, hosting thing...yes, it is more typical, for sure...it doesn't HAVE TO be...and, whether it has to do how one's mother "raised" him, or something else, I feel it is so essential for these qualities that are deemed to be traditionally "female" - sensitivity, compassion, kindness (Man.Kind), nurturing, sensual (and on..) - be simply encouraged as part of who we are as humans...not have them be so limiting in ways that keeps all of us from experiencing all of who we are. And want to encourage and experience in others...it is natural for me to nurture and feed and inspire...I love being, at times, a male muse. And, it can get confusing for others, particularly as a father of a male. About 3 or 4 years ago, Cooper and I were walking to school, and he was pissed off at Maia bout something, that had to do with a sense of entitlement. I told Coop that I was writing an essay about that (it was shocking enough for a then middle schooler to hear that his father was choosing to write an essay...about ANYTHING), about how that plays out often in relationships. In his still-pissed-at-Maia state, he looked up at me and in a tone that I can only describe as dazedandexasperated, he said, "Why are you SO interested in the things that women are???!!!" And in the short moment that it took to have a grin responsively appear on my face, and to understand and get deeply what he was asking below the surface, I responded, "Because I'm smart. And wise." That didn't end the conversation with him, and it surely opened my eyes to what I perceive to be the way that a father like me (whatever that means) might be somewhat confusing to my son, as he is starting to figure out (or already has/had), what it means to "be a man". Or simply a male. A straight male. Or whatever it all means. It can be confusing to males when the words that represent qualities that we seem to crave in men (and lament that they too often lack) are more feminine in perception, demeanor and sensibility. We are yin and yang. Earth, wind and fire. All of us. And we all need - male AND female - to embrace the qualities that reflect our favorite parts of ourselves. So that we can learn to nurture. And be nurtured. To give. And to be able to receive (that one took me awhile to learn, and as with everything, it's an ongoing process). I was thinking recently that while I have always been a man who embraced my "female" side from an early age, it wasn't until I FULLY took and and celebrated my testosterone - in MY powerful way, not as a reflection of the typical male imagery and (lack of) consciousness that prompted me to feel, way too often, so ashamed of being a MAN - that I could really step into my own power and feel the congruence and deep interplay of not only our two sides, but everything in between.

What makes someone seem sexy to another? Obviously there are many things, and it's a subjective answer...at it's core, I believe strongly that it has SO MUCH to do with sensing how comfy someone is in their skin...with who they are. From the inside-out, not as a piece of clothing to be worn for a night out. That's hot. To me. And that emanates from congruence within. From accessing all those parts of us, Ladies and Gentle Men...

SHIFTING AND UNFOLDING...

I have been stepping into new aspects of my life recently...situations, incarnations, people...yes, that happens every day, for sure, yet recently the water level seems to be rising. Quickly. In ways of which I take note, yet no longer blow me away in surprise. As my favorite (new) phrase reflects, "it is what it is." Embrace the is-ness. So I have. And my openness to saying "yes" has chicken-or-eggly created more people asking me things to which I actually want to have the answer be "yes". Out of desire and intent. Not out of obligation or some other motivation that isn't driven from within. "Want to co-host a radio show on love with me?" Yes. "Want to be a guest on a show about Tantra, talking about romance from the man's perspective?" Yes. "Want to be here?" Yes. "Want to....?" Yes.

So as this has unfolded, I have decided that this is the best time to apply a subtle yet, to me, profound shift in my writing. Not in its heart, or in my lens, yet in sometimes subject matter, or in its edge. To step a little further. To provoke a little more. To come out more deeply, in that sense of what that means for any/all of us. To step into our truths, if we want to. That kind of coming out. I want to push my own envelope more, it feels like time to do that. To be that. To shine a light, as I am keen on doing, into the darker and often heated-up corners. When Betsy Karp asked me whether I would co-host a radio show on "love" (that I have named InnerSense - http://www.centannibroadcasting.com/) - I said that I would...on one condition. That we could talk about love in all its forms - romantic, emotional, carnal, spiritual, erotic, friendship, parental, familial...dependent, obsessive, healthy, magical and more. Life. As we know it and feel (or don't) it. The love thing. It is what so moves us, in a myriad of forms, every day. So, let's tawk....here...

Over the last 12 years or so, I knew intuitively that I have been a work-in-major-progress. And that so much of the inner shift had to do with letting go of layers of what I may have learned or known, and yet which covered up whatever was underneath. The InnerOnion. So that I could get to what I may actually feel, believe, not be moving around feeling like I was merely a player in someone else's life or rules. To choose, not to simply be chosen. It has taken me awhile to get on the deepest, most profound level that regardless of wherever we are in our lives (me in mine), whatever anyone "did to" us, where we are at is no one else's fault. It is our responsibility. To own it, to have it, to find it - if we want. If we are willing. To live our lives as our own takes courage, because it's too easy to get lost in the rules, judgments, expectations of others. As humans, we are (I know that I have been) susceptible to accepting less of ourselves than we might of others. It is a challenge, and a blessing, to be able to take responsibility for our own lives - from the inside-out. FOR ourselves, not for others. And, it is essential to know, to understand viscerally, that walking the road less traversed takes a willingness to plug into those moments of truth and clarity and not walk away. When you stare into your own eyes and say, "This is MY life." To live intentionally and openly and bravely and faith-ly, to that point when who we are and what we do in our lives, in all aspects, are walking together in harmony...at least more often than not. Where there are minimal silos in our lives, when the open walls within our personal inner home flow together, because our need for hiding out, or separation, or that wacky notion called "control" doesn't need to exist on an ongoing basis. Anymore. When our hands fit together in our own handshake with ourselves. When we breathe in love, and breathe it out towards others as well. When living unreasonably on our own behalf, for the biggest senses of ourselves, is an essential and congruent component of our personal sense of aliveness.

As I think of my kids, I feel so deeply that among the greatest gifts that I can give, or spark in, them is to encourage and inspire them to live passionately and fully and truthfully, with a willingness to step into the unknown. Which is the component of life that IS a truth, a given every day. Whether or not we acknowledge, or see, it, or try to control it. I love that expression - not sure if it's Yiddish, Talmudic as I have a hunch it's in EVERY culture - something along the lines of "People make plans, and God laughs." It says so much, with the sweetest and cleverest of nods and smiles at the truth. I cannot tell anyone else what to do. Over time, I learned to stop listening to the voices of the unknown and unnamed (and, sometimes, known and named) people in my head to whom I had given the power over me...or, at least, too much influence. I had placed them on a power pedestal, whether they had overtly accepted the position, the "job", or not. And, it was, and is, MY JOB to undo that, to put the responsibility and power where it belongs...inside. And, it's been an extraordinary process that finds me breathing more fully every day.

These, Ladies and Gentlemen (Gentle Men), are the times of our lives. You know why? because they are the ONLY times. The ones right now. The ones for us. From which to create a life, not just make a living. If we want to, if that is what we choose. We. You, me, us. Individually. That "choice/choose" word is huge. Because until we see that we have it, the power AND responsibility for ourselves, and make those choices from our guts, so much of life can seem like it's happening TO us. And, for me, one day long (and what doesn't seem so long at the same time), I realized that this former way of operating, felt more like I was a pinball in a game that I hadn't even wanted to play, or be a part of, in the first place. And, that had to shift. I HAD to.

THE DAYS OF AWE...

A few people recently have mentioned to me that they missed my writing...it was very humbling to hear that...and, reminded me how much I have missed it, the/this outlet, having been focused on other things, including writing, just not here...and, it's good to be "back"...particularly as we Jews head into Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, tomorrow at sundown...

What many don't realize is that the eight days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are called the Days of Awe...coming into that imposing YK Day, there is that morethanaweek to reflect, to look within, to use the spark of a "new year" to possibly pay attention to reflect and take stock in a way that surely we can do EVERY day, and often don't...to come to terms with who, and where we are...with ourselves, with each other. A time to be prompted to ask forgiveness, not "from God", but from other people directly. To seek forgiveness directly. As my friend Marion said this morning regarding her work with the Course of Miracles, every day is a day of atonement...that is true, at least can be, for all of us. These days, as Jews, impose their own special opportunity, and I throw myself into the cracks in my being as full-on as I can...part of that openness, that actual LOOKING FORWARD to Yom Kippur (a friend actually laughed on the phone today when I said that!!...she had never heard of anyone feeling that way) arises because I am a member of the coolest shul in the world...Romemu...inclusive, embracing, soulful, spiritual, enlightening, welcoming, musically outrageous, and a bridge between spirituality and religion...I go there as part of my spiritual practice, not because of religion...this ain't your parents' shul or Judaism...this isn't about the God in the sky, or outside of ourselves...this is ALL about the God within...I truly don't know where I would be without having Romemu, and a spiritual leader like David Ingber, in my life these last few years...

On sundown after the first day of Rosh Hashanah, there is a service called Tashlich, where the tradition is to throw bread in a body of water, to cast away one's "sins"...and, to reflect...sitting at the foot of the Hudson River, surrounded by many hundreds of people from all over, it was extremely powerful. Romemu had a handout for the service that I found so moving that I wanted to share it here...it was a writing that I do not know who created...all I know is it moved me deeply...it is below...before that, I simply want to say that ti anyone whom I have touch, if I offended you, or caused you to feel pain, I do ask your forgiveness...I wake up each day with the intention to do "better" than I did, or was, the day before, and sometimes I fall short of my own yardstick...may we all be blessed with days and months and years of health, joy and personal fulfillment, so that we can pay forward our abundant gifts...

Peace, love and light,

JP

"Tashlich offers us a ritual to physically enact the shedding of our "sins" - where we're off-center. Freeing ourselves of the wight of guilt and errors makes us more receptive to light, insight and change - helping us to see the way to Awareness.

What force is it that can free us of the burdensome weight we bear because of the errors we have made, that can strengthen the parts of us that are dear?

A force that is not attached to anger, but yearns for lovingkindness.

Aligning ourselves with the compassionate Force, it is possible to acknowledge and transform our patterns of behavior that lead us to err. And what is beyond our capacity to transform, what is not our responsibility - we send back to the depths of the infinite cosmic ocean.

May we transform that which is truly within our potential to change. May the Force of Grace reconfigure the mistakes beyond our power to heal. The spiritual legacy of our ancestors endows us with knowledge of this Loving Force.

When I feel weighed down, constricted, not with the creative Loving Force - from the depths of my "prison" I can in truth really cry out for help. Then the fullness of the Infinite Power is revealed to me. I know I am a part of the Whole of a loving beautiful Creation. With the awareness of the Unity of God and Creation, there is no place for fear to exist. When I can identify with the Godforce within, I can see all as God. There are no more enemies. Destructive energies are channeled into constructive pathways.

The prison of negativity is vanquished.

It is better that I connect to all of Creation through the unity of the Godspace than through the narrow filter of our human egos. May all humanity meet together at the point of our Unity.

Then no one will hurt another, no out of place destructive forces will remain. Our whole planet will be a "Holy Mountain." Because all of humanity will be aware of the connectedness within the creation. All of humanity will know that the spirit of a loving Creator fills all space and time.

The Fountain of Creation exists beyond Time and Space. God vibrates and the World creates.

May we be graced with loving Awareness so that we naturally act in the wise and loving ways that bring healing and wholeness to ourselves and our world."