"HATS" OFF TO CHARLIE...

Charlie Chaplin wrote this poem for his 70th birthday, he describes the unfolding journey far better than I can...

As I Began to Love Myself - Self Love Poem, by Charlie Chaplin

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living against my emotional truth.
Today, I know, this is "AUTHENTICITY."

As I began to love myself I understood how much it could offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I know the time
was not right and this person was not ready for it, and even though this person
was me.  Today I call it "RESPECT."

As I began to love myself I began to stop craving a different life,
and I could see that everything surrounding me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it "MATURITY."

As I began to love myself I began to understand that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens
at exactly the right moment.  So I could be calm.
Today I call it "SELF-CONFIDENCE."

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things that I love to do
and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in
my own rhythm.  Today I call it "SIMPLICITY."

As I began to love myself I freed myself from anything that is no good for
my health - food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew
me down and away from myself.  At first I called this attitude
a healthy egoism.  Today I know it is "LOVE OF ONESELF."

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time.  Today I discovered that is "MODESTY."

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry
about the future.  Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING
 is happening.  Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it "FULFILLMENT."

AsI began to love myself I began to see that my mind can disturb me
and can make me sick.  But as I connected to my heart, my
mind became a valuable ally.  Today I call this
connection "WISDOM OF THE HEART."

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations, or any kinds of problems
with ourselves or others.  Even stars collide, and out of their crashing
new worlds are born.  Today I know "THAT IS LIFE"!

OUT OF A DARK PLACE, GENTLY...

It's pretty shocking to come to this space, and realize that it's been close to 2 years since I wrote my last piece.  It's not that I haven't been writing, but not here, in this place of (my) self-expression, where some people have been encouraging me to communicate more.  Not doing so is a reflection of a variety of factors, and like so many things that are going on right now for many people, the specifics don't necessarily matter as much as simply paying attention to what "is" (true) for any of us at a particular time - about our emotions, priorities, states of mind, intentions and the push-pull of life.  It feels like a particularly intense time right now.  And not just for me.

A week ago I had what I might be called an existential crisis.  While it was, admittedly, somewhat externally prompted/induced, the feelings and thoughts that came bursting upward, outward and inward were deeply challenging, personally profound and truly distressing, and brought me to quite a place of self-reflection and self-confrontation.  It was as if in one moment, all the old stuff/unfinished business teamed-up to rear their heads in unison.  And in Stereo.  And, once those few hours passed, it was not as though I could suddenly dismiss what had been in my head as just some ridiculous notions without substance.  Those feelingsthoughtsbeliefs were, even if not "factually true," as real as they come.  All too familiar.  They were, they felt, and still feel in the ensuing days at times, completely attached to me, like a body part.  Dark, sad, powerful.  And no matter how many people may poke holes in those beliefs or feelings, we all know the deal with feelings.  They are what they are, and they can stay around for awhile.  The rationale brain is no match for them.

There are MANY people with WAY bigger problems, challenges or issues than I have.  I am sharing here what's going on in my heart and spirit not because there is a pity party going on either here at my house, or in my heart or in my soul.  I am doing so because as a man who emotes, I have often been told that my openness, my emotional nakedness, has inspired others, particularly men, to get underneath those masks (hello Purim) and be real.  With themselves.  To honor the feelings that get inside, and that we all too often hide from others.  In the darkest points of that dark night a week ago, I promised myself that, if/when I came to see the light on the other side, I would recommit to whatever purpose and passion I have with this precious life I have been given.  I am struggling with what has come unearthed (again), and yet I do know that out of the darkness does come the light.  And one of my greatest gifts as a Kind.Man in the world, is to be a mirror and an igniter for others.  For me, there is no greater notion than to be a catalyst for transformation, to inspire others to reach down and transcend their own limiting beliefs.  Men, particularly, need to have men who can "make it OK" to be vulnerable and emotional without the fucked up perceived judgments and beliefs that accompany words like "soft" and "emotional" and "weak" and "female" (among others).  I am tired of this nonsense, and the burdens that remain from the continuation of misguided societal crap about what it is to "be a man" (a "real man"??). Not that I have been a man who ever embraced the traditional notion of (straight) maleness.  It was always easier to honor the feminine within me, because the male paradigm was too limiting and contradictory to how I wanted to be.  And as I have grown into my maleness, as it were, in these recent years, I have come to my own yin-yang alchemy.  Mine, not someone else's version.  We all have it, I cherish shining a light on wherever those shadows and questions may be.  In these last days I have [re]committed to a deeper level of emotional honesty, first between me and me, and then with others.  From those jarring hours of feeling deeply alone, and completely untethered, I have come to [re]connect with places in my heart that need nurturing more than I had come to know.  And that the key to moving through this part of the journey, and to heal, is to dive in to a place called Forgiveness.  Starting with myself, which I have come to learn is not an easy one for me to do.  And it is so necessary.  And thanks to the wisdom and guidance of others, I have pushed myself to express forgiveness to even the most challenging person in my life.  And whether I ever get that back in mutuality, it really doesn't matter.  I sense that I am, again, [re]starting from this new place of utter unknown.  And no matter how many layers I have peeled back in this onion over these last years, there is always seemingly new levels to go.    And while there is fear that rears its head, daily (is it hourly?), I have the sense that with acknowledging my need for support and wisdom and guidance from others, that the best truly is yet to come.  With patience and gentleness and fearlessness.

And what to say about the flow of life, the reminder of Universal truth that is here in every moment...here is what just got sent to me from a friend, the wisdom of perspective of one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Pema Chodron: Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that’s all that’s happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness–life’s painful aspect–softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody’s eyes because you feel you haven’t got anything to lose–you’re just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We’d be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn’t have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together.” ~Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chödrön

I do prefer to focus on the needs of others.  So if anyone needs the softness of my heart, please let me know.  Yes, start where you are.  I surely am.  Wherever that is.

With love and gratitude.

YOU DON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU GET THERE...

I have learned that there often is a big difference between what we say we want, and what we actually may want. And, it's often not that we are not clear. Or not sure. Or, on the surface not honest. It's simply that we just don't know how we will feel about almost anything until we get (t)here. About a person, a situation, a dream, a notion. To a certain degree, it's at the foundation of be careful for what you wish for. "I am ready for a committed relationship with someone I adore." "THAT would be the perfect job for me." "I want to live in the country." Whatever is the stated ideal, we can have beliefs and hopes and expectations about what we (say we) want, yet my realization and truth is that we just don't know until we arrive in the moment. When the future idea turns in to the present "reality" (thank you Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth for helping me to deepen my "getting" that the future only happens in the moment). When we get to actually see what is, not what "isn't" or imagined. When we are presented with what, or whom, we have been asking for...imagining...hoping for...the sometimes jarring (to ourselves) response is often, "no thank you." Or "not ready" Or "MAYBE not." Our pre-existing clarity can implode with insane speed. And, that's OK. Because as long as we are being honest in an inthemoment kind of way, particularly with ourselves first, and then with others who may be involved, we are dealing with the reality of being here now. In our feelings, in our emotions, in our truths. Keeping it here and not somewhere out there gives us the ongoing opportunity to actually peel back our own layers and get to what is is that we REALLY do want. Which we can only know when it arrives, and our eyes are open. Here and now.

5-11

Today would have been by Mom's 87th birthday. Each year (39 and counting) since we last spoke, I wonder what it would have been like if she had been around for even a it longer. What it would have been to have that "go-to" person in my life, how many "things" - relationships, situations, character, choices - would have been so different. It's not a mind game I play often, and it IS something that's very real. It's a reminder (to me at least) to stay centered within, to continue to unpeel the layers so that I can be the best go-to person for me and, as a result, those whom I love, those who flow in and through me...to let in the love, and let it flow outward...

Happy Birthday, Mom...

PROPORTIONS...

When Caren Ellis Fried eulogized her father more than a week ago, she talked about how Mike Ellis taught her something along the lines of, "God gave you two ears and one mouth, so use them in that proportion." I knew I had heard some version of this before, that Mike wasn't the first one to verbalize this concept (it seems as though the Greek philosopher, Epictetus, may have been the first to go on the record with this notion, allegedly saying, "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak."), and it doesn't matter. Mike was my messenger this time...as always, when the student's ready, the teacher shows up. I may have heard something a million times before, a concept that (I think) I get, and then one day...WOWZA! "It" suddenly goes from being a miniphany to a full-out epiphany. It's as if I/we are getting it for the first time, simply because the essence of the info, beyond the words, finds a new place inside...because the "all steps lead to now" truth suddenly has guided us to a new place (of wisdom, understanding, belief, knowledge) where the "Oh, I heard that before" words are felt and experienced in a completely new light. As someone who certainly likes to talk AND listen, I am still learning about how to find the right watermark - for me - in those talking/listening proportions. To listen better and better, more and more...another part of, and mirror for, this continuing lesson to allow more, "try" less. Two ears and one mouth, use them in that proportion...two ears and one mouth, use them in that proportion...two ears and one...

LOVE AND MIKE ELLIS...

A week ago I was sitting at the funeral of Mike Ellis, the father of my dear friend, Caren Ellis. Mike died at the age of 83, while doing his morning exercise ritual, he went out on his own terms, and lived live with passion like few whom I have ever met or known. Maybe like no other. I could write a dozen pieces inspired by what I learned from, and about Mike, I hunch that this is only the first. The story of Mike Ellis - who he iswas - and what, and whom, he put forth in the world, immediately found a special place in all of me - brain, heart, soul - as soon as I met him a little over a year ago. I first shook Mike Ellis' hand when Caren brought him to Romemu one Shabbat evening, but it wasn't until I sat right across from him, and his amazing wife, Honey, at the Ellis family Seder at the home of Caren's brother, Mark, last year. An incredible experience for me, the only person at the table who was not a direct descendant of Mike Ellis, or married to his kids. Three generations of the extended Ellis family, none of whom would be if Mike hadn't the balls, the faith, the courage and the wisdom as a boy to jump from the window of a train speeding at 70MPH to Auschwitz. That's just one of the stories, and the lessons to share, that I Got From Mike.

That one will be for another day. Because today, I am writing about Love. The love that fills me up more than ever before. The love that I've had to learn through my life what it could even mean. The kind of love that Mike Ellis understood. And emanated and inspired in others. You see, as I sat across from Mike in that Spring of 2000, an only child suddenly embraced for even more than that one night as a "member" of that family, I felt the love. I got it. I understood it. All of it. I wanted to make a movie about that family. A sort of how-to kind of movie, simply letting the people, their stories, their experiences show and tell everything and anything that any and all of us need to know. That love creates love. Begets love. Passes it on and hands it down and shows others the way. I was so moved by what I experienced that night - from Mike and Honey, and their Machatunim (the parents' of their kid's spouse), straight through the lineage to ALL of their incredible grandkids. I told Caren I wanted to make a movie about her family, called, simply, The Love Family. Because that's who they are. From wherever and whomever it started, somehow people spread the word. Held on to the notion and put it into form. Out of peoples' darkness came the light. I saw that night a 3-D manifestation of love in a way that I never had before, certainly not within my own family, or those whom I came to know. No judgment on anyone else, this Ellis thing was something special. I'm just sayin'. It wasn't that 3 generations were together, it was HOW they were together. Connected, Supportive. Interested. Engaged. Kibbitzing and loving. Pissers, not a wallflower among them. I saw what happens when you grow up with that kind of unconditional love (regardless of whatever mishigas there may be in any family) and SEE it, and are TAUGHT IT BY EXAMPLE. Experientially. Not by mere words or just concepts. The essence of what I keep aspiring for in my creative work - to "show, not tell." It hit me why so many of us fall into unfulfilled relationships that end up not really being love, despite what we may have hoped for, and WANTED to see. Wanted to have. Because for many of us, as I can tell, grew up not EXPERIENCING a kind of healthy vision of love, one that would be held up for ourselves as a high-bar that we would know it when we saw it. Felt it. Were ONLY willing to have some form of THAT. And we would find potential partners who understood from the inside-out, naturally, what that kind of unconditionality, what that type of family connection, means - first-hand. Or, for those of us who are willing to do the work to UNlearn and UNweave the firsthand lessons notions that kept prompting people like me to look for something from the outside, or in the wrong "places". How can we "look for" something that we don't KNOW what it is? Beyond the word, and what we might read about it...there's a kid's book called "Are You My Mother?", written by P.D. Eastman and published by Random House in 1960. Here's part of the Wikipedia synopsis: "Are You My Mother?" is the story about a hatching bird. His mother, thinking her egg will stay in her nest where she left it, leaves her egg alone and flies off to find food. The baby chick hatches. He does not understand where his mother is so he goes to look for her. In his search, he asks a kitten, a hen, a dog, and a cow if they are his mother. They each say, "No." I won't giveaway the ending, you'll have to go out and get it. I wanted to do a sort-of heartfelt spoof, for adults, something that might be called "Are You My [Partner/SoulMate/Honey, etc.]?" I think it would be a hit. For us to be able to create love, it has to start within. For us to "teach" love to others, it has to start with ourselves. We can't teach what we don't know. What, when it comes to matters of the heart and soul, can only really be experienced, not "taught" with words. So, I started on my path a good dozen years ago to unlearn and rise up, and fall down, and keep rising. To peel back those layers and, as in my fave parable about Michelangelo and his creation of the David, chip away to expose the David that was inside that hunk of marble. I am so grateful to have learned so much from Mike Ellis, who helped me learn to keep the bar high. I am so grateful to be right here.

A QUIETER MIND (WHETHER BEAUTIFUL, OR NOT)...

I grew up being anxious, at least starting at a certain age, for a great part of my life. A low level kind of thing, most of the time, just enough to be vibrating, certainly pervasively. A low hum, on the inside. Never requiring, or crying out for me to get, meds. Just enough, though, to be a conscious part of my reality. As I got older I often wondered, given how busy and "productive" (not necessarily equating with "successful" or fulfilled) I was, how much more productive AND successful AND fulfilled I might/could/would be if I could quiet the mind a bit. Reduce the noise. More. Get out of my way. Better. I've worked diligently on that these last few years, committedly embracing ways to quiet the revving inside, bathe in the pauses, embrace and celebrate the unknown, deepen my trust and faith. This process has allowed me to need less, and thus receive more. I am feeling the wonder of harvesting - the results of the plantings and waterings, and especially the weedings and the waitings and the (apparent) disappointments. All of it. I've never felt more comfy in my skin. Or quieter (Hey, everything's relative!) in my mind. And more open and vibrant in my heart. Or clear about my purpose. And gifts. And, all I can say is, I'm thrilled to be here.